Fathers

Yesterday morning, I went on a bike ride.   If you know me, I love to ride my bike.  I love riding with Dave.  It is a hobby that we both love and it is how we met.   But occasionally, I get out on the bike by myself.  It is hard to get motivated to go by myself, but this morning Dave did a short ride alone.  After he got back, he insisted that I should go for a short ride.  It was a beautiful morning.  The sun was shining...there was a slight breeze...it was just perfect. So I went for a ride.

When I ride, I really do try not to think too much.  I just try to let my mind go free.  It is my break from laundry, dishes, thinking what I am going to do next, and everything.  This morning was such a beautiful and peaceful morning that my mind went to my Dad.   My Dad passed away a little more than 5 years ago.   I don't know why, but I was just reminded of the day that he passed away.  I remember this day so vividly.   It was a day spent with my Father and my family.  It was a day filled with so many emotions...sadness, peace, relief, love, and so much more.  

(Note:  I used a lot of tissues writing these next paragraphs...so just beware)

I remember getting the call from my Mom at work at about 8am that I really should head home as soon as I could.   That my Dad's condition was not going well and this might be it.  I remember booking an airplane ticket for noon that day.   I remember telling my boss I was leaving work right then.   I remember driving home to pack my clothes.  I remember setting out clothes for a funeral so that when Dave flew up he would know what to bring.   I was thinking this might be the end, so I should be prepared.   I remember sitting at the airport in a haze.   I remember sitting on the plane in a haze.  I remember hoping that this time on the plane, no one would talk to me and no one did.  I remember my brother picking me up from the airport (he never had volunteered to pick me up from the airport before).  I remember the somewhat quiet one hour drive from the airport to the hospital.  

I remember seeing my Dad on the hospital bed in the cancer area (he didn't have cancer, but this area was quieter than the rest of the hospital so they had put my Dad there.)   I remember sitting there with my family around.  I think we all sat there not really knowing what to say.  I remember my Mom talking to the nurses about having a Catholic priest come and give Dad his last rites.  I remember that priest being there and saying something although the exact words do not come to mind.  I remember wondering what was the last meal that my Mom had eaten.  While my Dad had been in that hospital for a month, I don't ever remember my Mom eating much.  

I remember feeling utterly exhausted.   My Mom and Kendra had decided to stay at the hospital through the night with my Dad.  Even though I didn't want to leave, I knew I wasn't going to make it if I didn't sleep in a bed for a couple hours.  I remember going with Andrea to my parents house to get some sleep.  I remember somehow waking up at 3am to go back to the hospital to be with my Mom and Kendra.  I remember going through the Tim Horton's drive thru at a little past 3am to get my Mom, Kendra, and I some coffee and some muffins/donuts (I really can't remember exactly what I bought, I just remember thinking how odd it was to be going through a drive thru at 3am when everything around was so dark and so quiet). 

I remember getting to the hospital and just sitting with my Mom and sister.  I remember it being not much later that my Dad took his last breath.  I remember him taking a lot of what we thought were his last breath, but they weren't.  I remember all of us telling him it was ok to go.   I remember his last breath.  I remember my Mom saying that she watched his fistula (a surgically created access point for dialysis) to stop pulsing.   I remember the three of us calling my sister, Andrea, and my brother, Paul to see if they wanted to come by.  They both agreed they were ok. 

I remember my Mom, Kendra, and I leaving the hospital.  Since it was still early in the morning, we could not go through the normal entrance/exit.  We had to exit through a long white spotless hallway.  I remember the three of us walking the hallway.  I remember feeling relief, sadness, and peace all at the same time.   I remember thinking it odd that all those times we went to the hospital to see my Dad that month, we went in and out the main entrance, but this time, we exited through this hallway.    I remember going to my Mom's as the sun was coming up and wondering....do I go back to sleep or just start the day.  Then the rest of the hours and weeks to come are just a blur.  

All of this I thought of during my bike ride yesterday morning as the tears poured down.   I don't ever remember crying during a bike ride.  But almost the entire ride was filled with tears.  Not angry tears, not really sad tears, just tears.   Those tears that just flow out.  I do remember feeling sadness that my kids will never physically meet their Grandpapa and I do remember feeling a little relief on the bike ride that my Dad didn't have to suffer anymore.  So I guess there were a few tears of sadness and a few tears of relief, but the rest were just tears. 

On this bike ride, I also thought of how lucky my children are to have a father just as caring to them as mine was to me.  My husband is a wonderful man who cares for all those around him.   May my husband continue to have many more wonderful Father's Days to come.

I hope I don't have anymore teary bike rides for a while, but sometimes it is nice to have memories come back.  It was such a beautiful and peaceful morning to remember my Dad, even if I was remembering the day he left this earth to go be with our Heavenly Father.  All the flowers are in bloom and all the leaves are on the trees.  What a day to remember my Dad, who loved gardening and having green and flowers all around.